Snoring is a serious problem that can lead to sleepless nights, irritated partners, and even health issues. But fear not, my fellow snorers, because I have found the solution to your snoring woes: just stop snoring!
Yes, it’s that simple. Just decide to stop snoring, see it happening and voila, manifest a perfect night’s sleep baby! But for those of you who are still skeptical on the whole law of attraction deal, here are some tried and true methods for stopping your snoring immediately:
- Hold your breath. The next time you feel a snore coming on, just hold your breath. This will not only stop the snoring, but it will also give your body a much-needed break from all that pesky breathing. You will, however, need to master lucid dreaming to a rather extreme degree and train your body to perform respiration without oxygen.
- Sleep standing up. Gravity is your friend when it comes to snoring. If you sleep standing up, gravity will keep your airways open and prevent snoring. Sure, you may look like a creepy human coat rack, but at least you won’t be snoring. And bats do it upside down, so stop complaining!
- Sleep in a coffin filled with snakes and spiders. You will be too terrified and creeped out to sleep at all. Plus, you’ll be incredibly well placed to become a solid contender on any Fear Factor reboot that might transpire in the future.
- Sleep in a spaceship. This one’s easy. Just train your whole life to become a NASA astronaut. Finally, when they select you from thousands of other over-achievers, you’ll get to blast off into space and fulfil your impossible dream: During zero gravity sleep, you’ll be weightless and less likely to snore. Plus, you’ll have a great view of a perfectly flat earth.
- Train a possum to sleep on your face. Okay, this one is a bit out there, but hear me out. Possums are nocturnal animals, so they stay up all night anyway. By training a possum to sleep on your face, it will keep you wide-awake and give the possum a meaningful purpose to keep its possumy existential crises at bay.
If you’re looking for a serious treatment of this topic, firstly, congratulations for enduring this interminable page! Now, here’s the actual useful stuff: How to stop snoring.
